Raw

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Yes, that is me.

Well, that WAS me.

I took that photograph back in the days when I regularly participated in SinfulSunday; back when I thought I looked *“good enough”. The fact is I didn’t share it then because all I could see were ripples on my tummy…

I found it as I sorted through some old files the other day and it caused me to pause. I am about two and half stone lighter in that photo than I am today, (well, possibly three). I still am fortunate enough to have a figure “8” insofar as my boobs and hips are wider than my waist and I still have that curvy shape. But it’s all bigger, albeit in proportion. (Note to self: why is that fortunate? What is wrong with being more straight up and down? Not a damn thing, that’s what! When did I become the fucking body police?!)

I withdrew from SinfulSunday last year, (I’ve posted a couple in the meantime but nothing revealing), because I felt uglier and uglier with every photo I took.

I see now that, even thought I fully understood, at least on an intellectual level, the purpose of SS was to celebrate our bodies and our sexualities in all their forms, I completely missed the point of it when it came to ME.

I looked at other people’s photos; people smaller than me, larger than me, and everything in between, and saw the beauty in them; the sensuality, the vulnerability and the strength that came in turn from that. I often turned to hubs to show him how amazing the images were; the very variety of them was what made them glorious. After all, if we want to see “perfect” photo shopped bodies we have Tumblr don’t we?

SS is unique in that it allows us, more so, it encourages us to embrace how we are and to celebrate it.

But I only wanted to be part of the meme if I thought my pictures came up to a certain standard – a standard I never applied to anyone else by the way, only to me.

Even as I write this I feel I am a fraud. I am posting the picture that I didn’t think was good enough before now with a sense of sadness for not being able to see the reality of it, along with the knowledge that I do not have the courage to post a current picture of my body. If I could only see faults back when I took that picture, you can imagine how critical I am of how I look today. I took a photo after my shower today and just cannot face allowing anyone to see it. I have cropped it, blurred it, filtered it but, seeing as I will not alter my shape in it, it will remain in my file and not on this page.

I feel like I am making a mockery of the wonderful meme that Molly was lovely enough to give us. I can’t be positive about my shape now. I am not even sure if I am being positive about the way I looked before. Am I sharing this photo to try to tell myself how distorted my view of myself can be? Am I sharing because today I look at it and think, “FFS! K, look at that waist!”?

I am not even sure if I am celebrating it or rubbing salt into an already very raw wound. I am very good at giving myself a hard time so could this be a way for me to reinforce how dreadful I look now and how impossible it is that I will ever look that way again? Before you say it, it is impossible – age, health matters, lots of reasons…

But… in the true spirit of SS surely I should be posting pictures of me as I am now, with the hope of feeling good about it? I just can’t. I can’t even look at my body let alone share it.

The madness is, I know the wonderful people who participate here and they are anything but shallow – they would look at my photo and see probably something different to what I do. They most likely would not criticize my extra curves, my new folds of flesh, my overflowing boobage. They wouldn’t judge me as harshly as I do myself.

I wonder how this post will be received… will you all think, “Yep, knew she was shallow and vacuous all along”? I don’t blame you if you do.

I hope that one day I will be able to pose like this again, whatever my size or weight may be, and, unlike today, see the good in it. I truly wish I could stop only seeing the bad…

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*The fact was, I never, ever felt good enough… that’s the point.

Special thanks to Bee for her support and encouragement x

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Copyright, 2017, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

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Dry Spell

Readers, I am frustrated…

I have neglected my blogs for too long, for different reasons.

I have had a very challenging year or two, and it has most definitely impacted on my ability to get my thoughts straight in my mind, never mind getting them down in any coherent form that comes close to anything I would subject my followers to. (FYI: there is absolutely no guarantee that todays post will be any better, but my frustration and need to connect once again has overridden my internal quality control monitor.)

Health issues, both physical and mental, have plagued me and at several times have beaten me down to a point where some days getting dressed or showered has been a triumph. I am trying some new approaches which I hope will help me feel better and, fighting my realistic/fatalistic streak every day, I remind myself of the rewards to be gained from the changes, rather than dwell on how difficult they are to carry out. I have even, my lovely readers, made a chart that is stuck on my fridge! How very “self helpy” can you get?!

There have been days of wonderful positivity where I have wanted nothing more than to open my MacBook and write about all the good things I have in my life – a husband who is also my best friend, who knows all my darkest, ugliest secrets and loves me anyway, who makes me laugh til I cry, two beautiful dogs that bring me so much joy, a secure home to live in, enough money to always go to the ATM and not feel anxious, a garden built by myself and the OH which is peaceful and soul enriching to sit in… but I have not done so for fear of almost cursing my good fortune.

As for my fiction blog and my amateur photography, well, I have simply been feeling about as inspired as a used teabag. Walking used to be my therapy; ideas would come to me as I wandered through town, watching people and places, but I haven’t been out of the house much at all for quite a while, again for several reasons. Part of my new approach is to change this but it is proving more challenging than I thought it would be.

I read writing memes such as #Wicked Wednesday and #Kink of the Week but am left empty and frustrated at my complete writers block. I have entered the wonderful #Sinful Sunday, but only for the prompt weeks as I find right now I really need a push to produce anything.

Given my physical and mental health, I must admit that feeling sexy or sexual has been totally at the bottom of my list for a while now, which given that I am supposedly, (or at least, I once was), a sex blogger, is unhelpful to say the least.

I know it is a long process – lord, I have lived through 40-odd years of the fucking process. It is such a challenge to not get exhausted by it, by the fact that it never seems to have an end date in sight. They, whoever they are, say it’s not the destination that matters but the journey… easy to say when there is a sense that there is any realistic sense of ever reaching the destination, or when the journey is not constantly interrupted by obstacles and diversions. The OH, who I love more than anything, also has more than his fair share of stress and worry and believe me the only thing worse than one depressive is putting two together! He too had a run of bad luck healthwise this past year which has added to the stress and sense of fatigue.

I am hoping that by getting these, not so coherent, thoughts down today it will spur me on to return to writing.

I have found that blogging can be a two faced beast: recording how I feel can result in me reinforcing those feelings, and this is where the risk lies, depending on whether the feelings are positive or self-destructive.

Today I am feeling… ok. I have taken to playing positive music very loudly and it does help, although I am not sure the neighbours would agree.

Today is Friday and the weekend lies ahead and we plan on some serious rest time but I am hoping we will also get out walking, maybe even with my camera, maybe even lunch out.

As for writing… well, I will continue to look at prompts and memes and just hope that my voice comes back to me, (and as a certain quite dreadful writer puts it, “my inner goddess” finds her “salsa moves” again).

I feel a bit of a half person without her.

💋

Copyright, 2017, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

All rights reserved.

Sinful Sunday – Dipping My Toe

I left this lovely meme this time last year. I had been struggling  with how I look after some health related weight gain and if I am honest I haven’t moved forward very much at all. I still am massively unhappy with what looks back at me from the mirror.

However, the other night I was sitting with my little Lily at my side and I just thought that the curve of my ankle and the way the light hit my shin bones was quite pleasing so I took a quick snap. I cropped it but decided to undo that and leave Lily in because I just love how she is always with me.

It’s unlikely that this is a proper return to SinfulSunday but hey… dipping my toe back in!

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Copyright, 2017, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

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New Page!

FullSizeRender.jpgAs you may or may not know, I have a much more demure blog that I run in addition to the filth I share here.

Today I created a new page on my non-kinky blog dedicated to my other love, photography. I called it Kat’s Eye: a wee glimpse into how I see the world.

I have had a passion for photography for as long as I can remember but have never thought to share it with the world before. Until now… Gulp!

If you fancy having a look at my efforts you can find them all here.

Hope you enjoy!

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Copyright, 2016, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

All rights reserved.