Yes, that is me.
Well, that WAS me.
I took that photograph back in the days when I regularly participated in SinfulSunday; back when I thought I looked *“good enough”. The fact is I didn’t share it then because all I could see were ripples on my tummy…
I found it as I sorted through some old files the other day and it caused me to pause. I am about two and half stone lighter in that photo than I am today, (well, possibly three). I still am fortunate enough to have a figure “8” insofar as my boobs and hips are wider than my waist and I still have that curvy shape. But it’s all bigger, albeit in proportion. (Note to self: why is that fortunate? What is wrong with being more straight up and down? Not a damn thing, that’s what! When did I become the fucking body police?!)
I withdrew from SinfulSunday last year, (I’ve posted a couple in the meantime but nothing revealing), because I felt uglier and uglier with every photo I took.
I see now that, even thought I fully understood, at least on an intellectual level, the purpose of SS was to celebrate our bodies and our sexualities in all their forms, I completely missed the point of it when it came to ME.
I looked at other people’s photos; people smaller than me, larger than me, and everything in between, and saw the beauty in them; the sensuality, the vulnerability and the strength that came in turn from that. I often turned to hubs to show him how amazing the images were; the very variety of them was what made them glorious. After all, if we want to see “perfect” photo shopped bodies we have Tumblr don’t we?
SS is unique in that it allows us, more so, it encourages us to embrace how we are and to celebrate it.
But I only wanted to be part of the meme if I thought my pictures came up to a certain standard – a standard I never applied to anyone else by the way, only to me.
Even as I write this I feel I am a fraud. I am posting the picture that I didn’t think was good enough before now with a sense of sadness for not being able to see the reality of it, along with the knowledge that I do not have the courage to post a current picture of my body. If I could only see faults back when I took that picture, you can imagine how critical I am of how I look today. I took a photo after my shower today and just cannot face allowing anyone to see it. I have cropped it, blurred it, filtered it but, seeing as I will not alter my shape in it, it will remain in my file and not on this page.
I feel like I am making a mockery of the wonderful meme that Molly was lovely enough to give us. I can’t be positive about my shape now. I am not even sure if I am being positive about the way I looked before. Am I sharing this photo to try to tell myself how distorted my view of myself can be? Am I sharing because today I look at it and think, “FFS! K, look at that waist!”?
I am not even sure if I am celebrating it or rubbing salt into an already very raw wound. I am very good at giving myself a hard time so could this be a way for me to reinforce how dreadful I look now and how impossible it is that I will ever look that way again? Before you say it, it is impossible – age, health matters, lots of reasons…
But… in the true spirit of SS surely I should be posting pictures of me as I am now, with the hope of feeling good about it? I just can’t. I can’t even look at my body let alone share it.
The madness is, I know the wonderful people who participate here and they are anything but shallow – they would look at my photo and see probably something different to what I do. They most likely would not criticize my extra curves, my new folds of flesh, my overflowing boobage. They wouldn’t judge me as harshly as I do myself.
I wonder how this post will be received… will you all think, “Yep, knew she was shallow and vacuous all along”? I don’t blame you if you do.
I hope that one day I will be able to pose like this again, whatever my size or weight may be, and, unlike today, see the good in it. I truly wish I could stop only seeing the bad…
*The fact was, I never, ever felt good enough… that’s the point.
Special thanks to Bee for her support and encouragement x
Copyright, 2017, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com
All rights reserved.