F4TF #4 – The Ties That Bind



This week”Food For Thought Friday” was on the subject of Fuck Buddies/Friends with Benefits, posing the question:

Is it possible to have a long-term “no-strings” sexual relationship?

Ah! The Wookster and I have enjoyed several stimulating discussions about this very topic. I also picked Exhibit A’s brains about a while ago. It really does fascinate me because I have never had a FwB/FB… ever!

I started having boyfriends at the age of 13. It was sweet and innocent enough, kissing, a bit of fumbling around, nothing more until the age of 16/17 when sex entered the equation. I only had sex with people I was ‘going steady’ with… boyfriends. Once the relationship came to an end we went our separate ways and usually never really spoke again. That’s just how it worked where I came from.

At college I had a few boyfriends and a few one nighters, (shush, don’t tell anyone!), but again, sex either happened in a relationship or, for one nighters, there was no aftermath, no follow up or repeat performances.

Then I met the OH, fell head over heels and moved in with him practically from day one. That was 1991. My dating/sleeping around/one night stand days were over!

I struggle to understand how FwB/FB works.

If I had a casual hook up with someone, I really think it could only happen if I liked them as well as fancied them. No matter how hot you are, if you are unpleasant, boring or rude I would have no interest in you.

I am convinced that, if I ‘like’ someone; if I enjoy their company, laugh with them, have good conversations, and we became sexual, then I would fall in love. I don’t think I could bear to think of them as simply a friend any more and the idea of them with other people would upset me.

Maybe I’m just old fashioned? Naive?

Maybe I “settled down” very young and missed out on the exploration of different types of casual relationships that happens during people’s young adult life? That was Exhibit A’s suggestion and it really did make sense to me. I actually do only have experience of sex and relationships from either an adolescent perspective and or committed, monogamous perspective.

Perhaps if the OH and I were to part ways, once the heart-break was healed, maybe I would be interested in having a regular sexual partner, but without the ties or strings of an actual relationship. Hmmm… I don’t think so! I think I’d want it all… walks together, dates, meals, long drives… surely that’s more than FwB?

I think I am even confused about exactly what makes a relationship FwB/FB rather than a… well, relationship! If the difference is you have the freedom to fuck other people, then I think that you are in a relationship but it is an open one, perhaps a poly one, (as opposed to randomly having one nighters).

Am I splitting hairs? Heeeeelp!


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