Raw

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Yes, that is me.

Well, that WAS me.

I took that photograph back in the days when I regularly participated in SinfulSunday; back when I thought I looked *“good enough”. The fact is I didn’t share it then because all I could see were ripples on my tummy…

I found it as I sorted through some old files the other day and it caused me to pause. I am about two and half stone lighter in that photo than I am today, (well, possibly three). I still am fortunate enough to have a figure “8” insofar as my boobs and hips are wider than my waist and I still have that curvy shape. But it’s all bigger, albeit in proportion. (Note to self: why is that fortunate? What is wrong with being more straight up and down? Not a damn thing, that’s what! When did I become the fucking body police?!)

I withdrew from SinfulSunday last year, (I’ve posted a couple in the meantime but nothing revealing), because I felt uglier and uglier with every photo I took.

I see now that, even thought I fully understood, at least on an intellectual level, the purpose of SS was to celebrate our bodies and our sexualities in all their forms, I completely missed the point of it when it came to ME.

I looked at other people’s photos; people smaller than me, larger than me, and everything in between, and saw the beauty in them; the sensuality, the vulnerability and the strength that came in turn from that. I often turned to hubs to show him how amazing the images were; the very variety of them was what made them glorious. After all, if we want to see “perfect” photo shopped bodies we have Tumblr don’t we?

SS is unique in that it allows us, more so, it encourages us to embrace how we are and to celebrate it.

But I only wanted to be part of the meme if I thought my pictures came up to a certain standard – a standard I never applied to anyone else by the way, only to me.

Even as I write this I feel I am a fraud. I am posting the picture that I didn’t think was good enough before now with a sense of sadness for not being able to see the reality of it, along with the knowledge that I do not have the courage to post a current picture of my body. If I could only see faults back when I took that picture, you can imagine how critical I am of how I look today. I took a photo after my shower today and just cannot face allowing anyone to see it. I have cropped it, blurred it, filtered it but, seeing as I will not alter my shape in it, it will remain in my file and not on this page.

I feel like I am making a mockery of the wonderful meme that Molly was lovely enough to give us. I can’t be positive about my shape now. I am not even sure if I am being positive about the way I looked before. Am I sharing this photo to try to tell myself how distorted my view of myself can be? Am I sharing because today I look at it and think, “FFS! K, look at that waist!”?

I am not even sure if I am celebrating it or rubbing salt into an already very raw wound. I am very good at giving myself a hard time so could this be a way for me to reinforce how dreadful I look now and how impossible it is that I will ever look that way again? Before you say it, it is impossible – age, health matters, lots of reasons…

But… in the true spirit of SS surely I should be posting pictures of me as I am now, with the hope of feeling good about it? I just can’t. I can’t even look at my body let alone share it.

The madness is, I know the wonderful people who participate here and they are anything but shallow – they would look at my photo and see probably something different to what I do. They most likely would not criticize my extra curves, my new folds of flesh, my overflowing boobage. They wouldn’t judge me as harshly as I do myself.

I wonder how this post will be received… will you all think, “Yep, knew she was shallow and vacuous all along”? I don’t blame you if you do.

I hope that one day I will be able to pose like this again, whatever my size or weight may be, and, unlike today, see the good in it. I truly wish I could stop only seeing the bad…

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*The fact was, I never, ever felt good enough… that’s the point.

Special thanks to Bee for her support and encouragement x

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Copyright, 2017, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

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F4TF #27 -Bits and Bobs

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My kilt wearing, hairy blogging hubby KW came up with this week’s question:

What are your favourite terms for referring to “those” bits of your/your partner’s body? Which terms do you utterly detest? Why do you feel that way about them?

I have tackled this topic before in a lighthearted fashion. If you fancy a giggle please have a read (and do let me know if you enjoy it!)

So, on to the question; well let’s see…

I call my boobs, well boobs! but also I call them The Girls, chesticles or breasts. I really dislike the word tits – I am not sure why but it strikes me as disrespectful in some way, something a rude builder would call out maybe. Similarly calling them ‘mamms’ is horrible, as in “get your mamms out for the boys”. Gross!

As for my Lady Parts, (snigger), I call them “her’ or “she” mostly. Otherwise I’d say vagina or clit. I use pussy and cunt quiet a bit when I write, depending on the mood of the piece. Or I call it my ‘woohoo’ – (yeah it’s not sexy, and not really a word, it’s more of a sound I make, like a deranged owl or something).

For fun, I occasionally use the word ‘wendy’ which I picked up from Smack The Pony years ago, it makes me laugh. As does, ‘spider’ which came from Little Britain’s Vicky Pollard. The word ‘vajayjay’ makes me shudder; I mean, really? Va-fucking-jay-jay?!

I used to call it Lady Garden but given my current grooming preference these days it’s more like a Lady Desert I guess!

As for men’s bits, I use cock mostly when I write, although I use penis and erection too. Anything is better that ‘member’ or ‘staff’, both of which make me cringe. ‘Dick’ sounds a bit wee to me, and ‘mickey’ or ‘willy’ are just silly and childish.

And balls are just balls.

💋

Copyright, 2016, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

All rights reserved.

 

 

F4TF #21 – Storm in a C Cup

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It should come as no surprise to you all to read that this week’s question was penned by The Hairy Kilted one!

For guys and girls who like girls – what is it that you like about boobs? Is there an ideal shape or size?

For girls – how do you feel about how you feel about your “girls”? Are you happy with them? Have you always been?

For everyone – do you think the female “chest” has been over sexualised?

I like small boobs on a girl, with small nipples. There is nothing wrong with larger breasts, but they just don’t ‘do’ it for me.

I really dislike when they are obviously surgically enhanced. That grapefruit look is just unattractive in my opinion. I find it very off-putting in porn. Sometimes the skin looks so stretched as to be painful and I fear it will tear!

As for own boobs… well they’ve been all shapes and sizes!

They popped up very early… at about age 9. I hated them! I always crossed my arms to hide them and had a hunched back. None of my friends developed as early as me and I felt very self-conscious and embarrassed about them. I think I felt that I was being forced to grow up too soon. A little tomboy who loved to paddle in the river, run in the woods and get dirty didn’t need or want boobs getting in the way.

I remember feeling such resentment as my mother took me to buy my first bra. I didn’t want to be there and I didn’t want the bra. It was a pretty A cup Cacherel bra, (my mother chose well), but I still detested it.

During my teens I actually liked my boobs and got quite a thrill of showing them off in tight tops or by going obviously braless. I’ll never forget when the OH and I were 19 and I was staying at his house in the summer, wearing a baggy vest top that showed side boob, (long before it was a thing). He gulped and asked if I really intended to go out wearing that and learned an early lesson in not questioning your girlfriend’s fashion choices. (To be fair to him, he lived in a very rural, conservative place with very conservative parents and I was quite the loose cannon…)

At their largest, the girls reached a DD cup, (picture that on a five foot tall chick for a minute…). One cup could fit over my entire face.

At their smallest they were on the small side of a B cup. I really liked them then, they were pert, round and compact. Less than his handful. They felt light and I was happy with them.

Today they are bursting at the seams of a C cup – over flowing, spilling out and barely restrained.

I am loathe to buy a larger size as it feels like I am giving up the hope that I can lose weight, so I wear this torturous piece of fabric and wire for as long as I absolutely need to each day and gleefully whip it off as soon as I am home.

imageYou’ll often find a bra on the kitchen counter or stairs and it’ll have nothing to do with spur of the moment sex!

⬅️ I’ve just done it!

 

I should just buy a bigger size… but I don’t wanna!

As for whether breasts have been over-sexualised, my answer is yes. The “Free The Nipple” campaign on Instagram, the censorship of avis/headers on Twitter and the crazy and outdated attitudes of some people in relation to public breastfeeding is evidence enough. For example:

“In the USA it is effectively illegal for a woman to be topless, breastfeeding included, in 35 states. In less tolerant places like Louisiana, an exposed nipple can take a woman to jail for up to three years and cost $2,500 in fines.” (ref: freethenipple.com)

Breasts exist as means of nurturing and feeding a baby, which in itself is quite a beautiful and glorious thing, is it not? To think people feel that it is offensive, or in any way sexual when a woman breastfeeds her child in public is simply… idiotic!

At the end of the day, breasts are basically lumps of fatty tissue, encased in skin, hanging off our chests. Let’s get real about this!

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*And yes, Wookie, I know… Boobs are your very favourite things! 😂

💋

Copyright, 2016, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

All rights reserved.

TMI Tuesday… I See You!

TMI Tuesday…let’s do this!

I see you

1. Have you ever had sex in front of other people? What were the circumstances?

Yes. More than once. That’s all you’re getting!

2. You are invited to Adult Show & Tell. What is it that you will show and tell.

Not sure I would show much, but I’ll tell anyone more or less anything they want to know. I am ridiculously open.

3. What part of your body do you like to show off?

I like to show a bit of cleavage. Having big boobs means high necked tops can make me look bigger than I am. I find it’s more flattering to go for deeper necklines. And a hint of cleavage is always nice to look at!

4. What part of the human body do you enjoy looking at the most?

On men it is most certainly their hands and forearms… I am ALL about hand/arm porn!

Women, I like to look at their shape, mostly I appreciate a great bum on a girl. And hair, love, love, love girl’s hair.

5. When you watch porn, what is it that you most enjoy seeing?

I love to watch people coming.

Bonus: Post a pic of your body part that you like to show off.

Well, I guess I did say cleavage… 😈

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link totmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

💋

Copyright, 2016, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

All rights reserved.