KOTW – Heels

Ask me to pick something I like about my appearance or body and you will wait a long time for an answer, except for one thing – my height.

Standing at a grand total of 153cm, I actually love being a shortarse.

I know lots of women who long to be taller than they are and who find wearing high heels a confidence booster, but for me that couldn’t be further from the truth. Put me in a pair of even modest heels and watch me become awkward, clumsy and insecure. I simply cannot be doing with heels! I wear Converse, Sketchers or boots – all flat. On the very rare occasion that I need to dress up, (weddings etc.), you will find me in a cute pair of ballet pumps because I need to be able to stand, walk and dance. Never wear shoes I cannot make a hasty getaway in, that’s my motto.

I do own a pair of heels – yes, you read that right – A pair of heels: singular. I wear them for the OH and, let me tell you, I neither walk nor stand in them! Once those heels go on I am either on my back or my knees! I wear them because he finds them sexy on me. I wear them to please him. I do feel much more vulnerable in them than I do in stockings or barefoot. I feel physically uncomfortable in them and, if they stay on for any length of time, I do feel pain in my calves and feet. I don’t feel powerful or strong in them – quite the opposite. But I do enjoy wearing them for him because I know he likes how they look, (and he always lets me take them off once they start to interfere with me having a good time!).

Everyone finds different things sexy. Many, many people find heels sexy, to wear or to look at but, for me, heels don’t equal sexy because, for me, sexy is feeling comfortable, confident and happy, and I am rarely any of the above when I wear high heels.

*Footnote: I did take a few shots of my heels for SinfulSundays in the past and I’ll let you into a wee secret – I was begging him to take the photos fast before I fell over!

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*see what I did there?! I’m just a laugh riot, ain’t I?

 

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Copyright, 2017, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

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And Here We Go Again…

2016 was a horrible year. There I said it.

It took so many talented and wonderful people from us.

We had the appalling atrocities in Syria, the refugee crisis and the depressing lack of compassion displayed by people around the world. We had the rise of the far right across Europe. We saw devastating acts of terrorism against ordinary people just living their lives. We had Brexit and its horrendous aftermath which saw some parts of society seeming to think the decision made racism and bigotry a perfectly acceptable thing.

And then we had Trump… I cannot even go there. It still feels unreal.

I noticed so many of my friends struggle with their own physical and mental health and found it very hard to witness. It seemed this year got to everyone in one way or another.

Personally, I had a very rough year. My depression and anxiety peaked and I have yet to come out the other side. My self destructive behaviours hit an all time high; my health has suffered and I feel truly dreadful.

I can sum it up thus:img_7065

But today is the final day of this annus horribilis and we can only hope that 2017 is brighter.

I know I have a very steep mountain to climb in terms of self care and recovery and I am not looking forward to the challenges ahead. To be perfectly honest, it feels pretty impossible right now.

It will not be easy. But, unless I want to, literally, kill myself, I simply have to do it.

I truly hope next year brings you all, my readers and friends, only good things.

I wish you all good health, happiness, good fortune and good times. I know I can be a miserable old cow but underneath it all I really do care about y’all.

Here’s to better days ahead…

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Ciao

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Copyright, 2016, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

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A Sincere Thank You

I am so honoured and flattered to be included in Marie Rebelle’s top blog list this year. She has selected some truly fantastic bloggers for her list and I am blown away to be in such company, especially as I have not blogged much this year.

I want to thank her for this gesture as well as for being such a positive, wonderful voice in the sex blogging community.

Rebel you are an inspiration!

Check out who else made her list here.

I also want to say a big thank you to everyone who read and supported my scribblings this year. It means so very much to me that you take time out to read and comment on my ramblings. I love you guys so much!

I wish you all a happy and healthy 2017… let’s face it, it can only get better, right?

💋

Copyright, 2016, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

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*V.A.P.S.

I have been driving the OH quite mad of late. (Possibly for much longer than that!)

I have put on quite a bit of weight… well, in my opinion, quite a lot!

I had some very serious depression and anxiety issues this year, along with some health concerns I have blogged about previously, all of which resulted in a little bit too much comfort eating and drinking. And an expanding waistline…

I have been moaning about how fat I am, how awful I look and feel and it is really getting on his nerves. He is worn out telling me to stop saying these things, telling me I am ‘gorgeous’ and ‘beautiful’; alternating between almost endless patience and occasional, (and understandable), irritation at my self-hating repetition.

I asked him had he not noticed my new shape and he agreed he had and that it really doesn’t matter: “When you were slimmer I found you sexy, when you were or are bigger I find you sexy. You have a real problem seeing yourself the way you really are.”

I thought about this over, and over.

For me, this is impossible to accept. It is no failing on his part, it is all on me. I simply cannot see what he says he sees. I simply cannot accept that he finds me attractive or desirable. I think I am repulsive.

Eventually, I asked him, “So, what you are saying is – you love and accept me just as I am, no matter how I look or how much I change. Is that it?”

He looked at me, slightly exasperated and said, “That is exactly it.”

Now my challenge is to believe it.

💋

*Very Annoying Person Syndrome – an affliction I torture myself and others with.

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Saying Goodbye…

Today, I did a thing.

I finally, at long last, took a step towards accepting my new reality.

I filled a charity bag with all the clothes I will never fit into again.

It was a difficult and challenging thing to do – it felt as if I was saying that, even if I do lose weight, I will not ever be buying my clothes in the kids section again.

I truly marvelled at how tiny some of the pieces were… was I ever that slight?! Really?

So, there are some 11 year old girls in Chernobyl that will be getting a stash of jeans and tops soon…

…and I must accept that my days of being a waif are over.

Ciao,

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Copyright, 2016, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

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TMI Tuesday – August 16th

1. Where is the most beautiful place on earth and why?

I find this almost impossible to answer because I have been fortunate enough to visit several breathtakingly beautiful places in my life. For me, anywhere that is nature based is beautiful – on the beach, up in the Wicklow mountains, in a forest, even in my garden, surrounded by my plants, birds singing and bees buzzing.

2. How old is the most expired item in your fridge?
Guilty! It’s usually to be found in the veg drawer – a limp, soggy lettuce or a bag of carrots that are soft and pliable in a way carrots have no business being.
3. What’s under your bed?
Nothing! I have a bed with drawers in it so if that counts, you will find stocks of deoderant, hairspray, tampons, floss etc.
4. What is in your pocket?
A tissue… never be without a tissue!
5. Which famous person would you like to be best-friends with? Why?
Amy Poehler! She doesn’t know it, (yet), but we would make the most excellent friends… She is smart, funny, gorgeous, talented… sure it’s like looking in a mirror, haha!
Now if only I can get my hands on her number…
6. There is now a line of lacy lingerie for men. Would you wear it or like to see your man in it? See here and here
Depends… I think the androgenous/gender bender thing can be very sexy – on the right man. I do like a man that’s ‘man enough’ to go there! And if he’s wearing eyeliner, so much the better!
Bonus: Think The Olympics. Men’s gymnastic uniforms–sexy or goofy? Discuss!

Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me?! Look at those bodies! Look at that strength and control! Sexy doesn’t begin to cover it!gym_men_tmi————TMI Tuesday blog

TMI Tuesday blog

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link totmituesdayblog from your website!Happy TMI Tuesday!💋Copyright, 2016, illicitthoughts.wordpress.comAll rights reserved.

I’m Still Here… Just

“What are your plans for today?”

“I’ve none. That’s the problem. Well, I’ve some laundry and ironing to do but that’s it.”

“Any writing?”

“Nothing to write about.”

“What about some photography? You haven’t done any in a while, have you?”

“Nothing to photograph.”

“Well, there’s your task today then.”

I sigh.

“You’ve got to help yourself love.”

This was our conversation as he dressed after his shower this morning.

*

You may, (or more likely, may not), have noticed that I’ve been very quiet for a while now. My last entry to this blog was July 18th, and even that was just to link to elust.

I have felt completely devoid of inspiration. I have nothing to say that I think is worth sharing.

I feel aimless; I have no routine, no goals, no purpose.

I drift.

Breakfast, lunch and dinner are the only markers of my day. Sometimes I feel like I am existing merely to get to the next mealtime.

Many days I don’t bother to get dressed.

I can’t remember the last time I was outside alone.

“I’m sorry I look so shitty,” I say several times a day. He replies, telling me to shush and that I am beautiful.

I am clueless as to how to fix this…

Do I need a routine? Do I need him to tell me what it is? The ‘little’ in me strives to be obedient and pleasing, but I know I will probably rebel against any instructions that he gives me, because I feel too tired, too apathetic to carry them out.

Perhaps I feel unworthy of feeling any better?

I am five weeks into my new medication… the so-called miracle pill that is Prozac. Is it working? Maybe, to some extent. But not enough. Not consistently. I have fleeting moments of confidence and contentment, where I do not despise myself, but they do no last.

I sit here, 9.50am, yet another day where I am not showered or dressed yet, and with no plans for the day ahead of me, with only a detached sense of resignation that nothing will change. Numb.

Is this it? Is this how it shall be? Forever?

Why am I even sharing these meandering thoughts? Why bore and burden you with my non-issues?

With a deep sigh, (apparently I sigh A LOT), I end this decidedly mediocre, self-pitying post.

I hope illicithoughts will return to being a place where I can express myself again, hopefully entertain you, make you think, make you angry, make you sad, make you laugh.

I hope, but I can’t promise.

💋

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