Dry Spell

Readers, I am frustrated…

I have neglected my blogs for too long, for different reasons.

I have had a very challenging year or two, and it has most definitely impacted on my ability to get my thoughts straight in my mind, never mind getting them down in any coherent form that comes close to anything I would subject my followers to. (FYI: there is absolutely no guarantee that todays post will be any better, but my frustration and need to connect once again has overridden my internal quality control monitor.)

Health issues, both physical and mental, have plagued me and at several times have beaten me down to a point where some days getting dressed or showered has been a triumph. I am trying some new approaches which I hope will help me feel better and, fighting my realistic/fatalistic streak every day, I remind myself of the rewards to be gained from the changes, rather than dwell on how difficult they are to carry out. I have even, my lovely readers, made a chart that is stuck on my fridge! How very “self helpy” can you get?!

There have been days of wonderful positivity where I have wanted nothing more than to open my MacBook and write about all the good things I have in my life – a husband who is also my best friend, who knows all my darkest, ugliest secrets and loves me anyway, who makes me laugh til I cry, two beautiful dogs that bring me so much joy, a secure home to live in, enough money to always go to the ATM and not feel anxious, a garden built by myself and the OH which is peaceful and soul enriching to sit in… but I have not done so for fear of almost cursing my good fortune.

As for my fiction blog and my amateur photography, well, I have simply been feeling about as inspired as a used teabag. Walking used to be my therapy; ideas would come to me as I wandered through town, watching people and places, but I haven’t been out of the house much at all for quite a while, again for several reasons. Part of my new approach is to change this but it is proving more challenging than I thought it would be.

I read writing memes such as #Wicked Wednesday and #Kink of the Week but am left empty and frustrated at my complete writers block. I have entered the wonderful #Sinful Sunday, but only for the prompt weeks as I find right now I really need a push to produce anything.

Given my physical and mental health, I must admit that feeling sexy or sexual has been totally at the bottom of my list for a while now, which given that I am supposedly, (or at least, I once was), a sex blogger, is unhelpful to say the least.

I know it is a long process – lord, I have lived through 40-odd years of the fucking process. It is such a challenge to not get exhausted by it, by the fact that it never seems to have an end date in sight. They, whoever they are, say it’s not the destination that matters but the journey… easy to say when there is a sense that there is any realistic sense of ever reaching the destination, or when the journey is not constantly interrupted by obstacles and diversions. The OH, who I love more than anything, also has more than his fair share of stress and worry and believe me the only thing worse than one depressive is putting two together! He too had a run of bad luck healthwise this past year which has added to the stress and sense of fatigue.

I am hoping that by getting these, not so coherent, thoughts down today it will spur me on to return to writing.

I have found that blogging can be a two faced beast: recording how I feel can result in me reinforcing those feelings, and this is where the risk lies, depending on whether the feelings are positive or self-destructive.

Today I am feeling… ok. I have taken to playing positive music very loudly and it does help, although I am not sure the neighbours would agree.

Today is Friday and the weekend lies ahead and we plan on some serious rest time but I am hoping we will also get out walking, maybe even with my camera, maybe even lunch out.

As for writing… well, I will continue to look at prompts and memes and just hope that my voice comes back to me, (and as a certain quite dreadful writer puts it, “my inner goddess” finds her “salsa moves” again).

I feel a bit of a half person without her.

💋

Copyright, 2017, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

All rights reserved.

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KOTW – Heels

Ask me to pick something I like about my appearance or body and you will wait a long time for an answer, except for one thing – my height.

Standing at a grand total of 153cm, I actually love being a shortarse.

I know lots of women who long to be taller than they are and who find wearing high heels a confidence booster, but for me that couldn’t be further from the truth. Put me in a pair of even modest heels and watch me become awkward, clumsy and insecure. I simply cannot be doing with heels! I wear Converse, Sketchers or boots – all flat. On the very rare occasion that I need to dress up, (weddings etc.), you will find me in a cute pair of ballet pumps because I need to be able to stand, walk and dance. Never wear shoes I cannot make a hasty getaway in, that’s my motto.

I do own a pair of heels – yes, you read that right – A pair of heels: singular. I wear them for the OH and, let me tell you, I neither walk nor stand in them! Once those heels go on I am either on my back or my knees! I wear them because he finds them sexy on me. I wear them to please him. I do feel much more vulnerable in them than I do in stockings or barefoot. I feel physically uncomfortable in them and, if they stay on for any length of time, I do feel pain in my calves and feet. I don’t feel powerful or strong in them – quite the opposite. But I do enjoy wearing them for him because I know he likes how they look, (and he always lets me take them off once they start to interfere with me having a good time!).

Everyone finds different things sexy. Many, many people find heels sexy, to wear or to look at but, for me, heels don’t equal sexy because, for me, sexy is feeling comfortable, confident and happy, and I am rarely any of the above when I wear high heels.

*Footnote: I did take a few shots of my heels for SinfulSundays in the past and I’ll let you into a wee secret – I was begging him to take the photos fast before I fell over!

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*see what I did there?! I’m just a laugh riot, ain’t I?

 

💋

Copyright, 2017, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

All rights reserved.

And Here We Go Again…

2016 was a horrible year. There I said it.

It took so many talented and wonderful people from us.

We had the appalling atrocities in Syria, the refugee crisis and the depressing lack of compassion displayed by people around the world. We had the rise of the far right across Europe. We saw devastating acts of terrorism against ordinary people just living their lives. We had Brexit and its horrendous aftermath which saw some parts of society seeming to think the decision made racism and bigotry a perfectly acceptable thing.

And then we had Trump… I cannot even go there. It still feels unreal.

I noticed so many of my friends struggle with their own physical and mental health and found it very hard to witness. It seemed this year got to everyone in one way or another.

Personally, I had a very rough year. My depression and anxiety peaked and I have yet to come out the other side. My self destructive behaviours hit an all time high; my health has suffered and I feel truly dreadful.

I can sum it up thus:img_7065

But today is the final day of this annus horribilis and we can only hope that 2017 is brighter.

I know I have a very steep mountain to climb in terms of self care and recovery and I am not looking forward to the challenges ahead. To be perfectly honest, it feels pretty impossible right now.

It will not be easy. But, unless I want to, literally, kill myself, I simply have to do it.

I truly hope next year brings you all, my readers and friends, only good things.

I wish you all good health, happiness, good fortune and good times. I know I can be a miserable old cow but underneath it all I really do care about y’all.

Here’s to better days ahead…

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Ciao

💋

Copyright, 2016, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

All rights reserved

A Sincere Thank You

I am so honoured and flattered to be included in Marie Rebelle’s top blog list this year. She has selected some truly fantastic bloggers for her list and I am blown away to be in such company, especially as I have not blogged much this year.

I want to thank her for this gesture as well as for being such a positive, wonderful voice in the sex blogging community.

Rebel you are an inspiration!

Check out who else made her list here.

I also want to say a big thank you to everyone who read and supported my scribblings this year. It means so very much to me that you take time out to read and comment on my ramblings. I love you guys so much!

I wish you all a happy and healthy 2017… let’s face it, it can only get better, right?

💋

Copyright, 2016, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

All rights reserved

*V.A.P.S.

I have been driving the OH quite mad of late. (Possibly for much longer than that!)

I have put on quite a bit of weight… well, in my opinion, quite a lot!

I had some very serious depression and anxiety issues this year, along with some health concerns I have blogged about previously, all of which resulted in a little bit too much comfort eating and drinking. And an expanding waistline…

I have been moaning about how fat I am, how awful I look and feel and it is really getting on his nerves. He is worn out telling me to stop saying these things, telling me I am ‘gorgeous’ and ‘beautiful’; alternating between almost endless patience and occasional, (and understandable), irritation at my self-hating repetition.

I asked him had he not noticed my new shape and he agreed he had and that it really doesn’t matter: “When you were slimmer I found you sexy, when you were or are bigger I find you sexy. You have a real problem seeing yourself the way you really are.”

I thought about this over, and over.

For me, this is impossible to accept. It is no failing on his part, it is all on me. I simply cannot see what he says he sees. I simply cannot accept that he finds me attractive or desirable. I think I am repulsive.

Eventually, I asked him, “So, what you are saying is – you love and accept me just as I am, no matter how I look or how much I change. Is that it?”

He looked at me, slightly exasperated and said, “That is exactly it.”

Now my challenge is to believe it.

💋

*Very Annoying Person Syndrome – an affliction I torture myself and others with.

Copyright, 2016, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

All rights reserved

Saying Goodbye…

Today, I did a thing.

I finally, at long last, took a step towards accepting my new reality.

I filled a charity bag with all the clothes I will never fit into again.

It was a difficult and challenging thing to do – it felt as if I was saying that, even if I do lose weight, I will not ever be buying my clothes in the kids section again.

I truly marvelled at how tiny some of the pieces were… was I ever that slight?! Really?

So, there are some 11 year old girls in Chernobyl that will be getting a stash of jeans and tops soon…

…and I must accept that my days of being a waif are over.

Ciao,

💋

Copyright, 2016, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

All rights reserved.

TMI Tuesday – August 16th

1. Where is the most beautiful place on earth and why?

I find this almost impossible to answer because I have been fortunate enough to visit several breathtakingly beautiful places in my life. For me, anywhere that is nature based is beautiful – on the beach, up in the Wicklow mountains, in a forest, even in my garden, surrounded by my plants, birds singing and bees buzzing.

2. How old is the most expired item in your fridge?
Guilty! It’s usually to be found in the veg drawer – a limp, soggy lettuce or a bag of carrots that are soft and pliable in a way carrots have no business being.
3. What’s under your bed?
Nothing! I have a bed with drawers in it so if that counts, you will find stocks of deoderant, hairspray, tampons, floss etc.
4. What is in your pocket?
A tissue… never be without a tissue!
5. Which famous person would you like to be best-friends with? Why?
Amy Poehler! She doesn’t know it, (yet), but we would make the most excellent friends… She is smart, funny, gorgeous, talented… sure it’s like looking in a mirror, haha!
Now if only I can get my hands on her number…
6. There is now a line of lacy lingerie for men. Would you wear it or like to see your man in it? See here and here
Depends… I think the androgenous/gender bender thing can be very sexy – on the right man. I do like a man that’s ‘man enough’ to go there! And if he’s wearing eyeliner, so much the better!
Bonus: Think The Olympics. Men’s gymnastic uniforms–sexy or goofy? Discuss!

Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me?! Look at those bodies! Look at that strength and control! Sexy doesn’t begin to cover it!gym_men_tmi————TMI Tuesday blog

TMI Tuesday blog

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link totmituesdayblog from your website!Happy TMI Tuesday!💋Copyright, 2016, illicitthoughts.wordpress.comAll rights reserved.