Raw

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Yes, that is me.

Well, that WAS me.

I took that photograph back in the days when I regularly participated in SinfulSunday; back when I thought I looked *“good enough”. The fact is I didn’t share it then because all I could see were ripples on my tummy…

I found it as I sorted through some old files the other day and it caused me to pause. I am about two and half stone lighter in that photo than I am today, (well, possibly three). I still am fortunate enough to have a figure “8” insofar as my boobs and hips are wider than my waist and I still have that curvy shape. But it’s all bigger, albeit in proportion. (Note to self: why is that fortunate? What is wrong with being more straight up and down? Not a damn thing, that’s what! When did I become the fucking body police?!)

I withdrew from SinfulSunday last year, (I’ve posted a couple in the meantime but nothing revealing), because I felt uglier and uglier with every photo I took.

I see now that, even thought I fully understood, at least on an intellectual level, the purpose of SS was to celebrate our bodies and our sexualities in all their forms, I completely missed the point of it when it came to ME.

I looked at other people’s photos; people smaller than me, larger than me, and everything in between, and saw the beauty in them; the sensuality, the vulnerability and the strength that came in turn from that. I often turned to hubs to show him how amazing the images were; the very variety of them was what made them glorious. After all, if we want to see “perfect” photo shopped bodies we have Tumblr don’t we?

SS is unique in that it allows us, more so, it encourages us to embrace how we are and to celebrate it.

But I only wanted to be part of the meme if I thought my pictures came up to a certain standard – a standard I never applied to anyone else by the way, only to me.

Even as I write this I feel I am a fraud. I am posting the picture that I didn’t think was good enough before now with a sense of sadness for not being able to see the reality of it, along with the knowledge that I do not have the courage to post a current picture of my body. If I could only see faults back when I took that picture, you can imagine how critical I am of how I look today. I took a photo after my shower today and just cannot face allowing anyone to see it. I have cropped it, blurred it, filtered it but, seeing as I will not alter my shape in it, it will remain in my file and not on this page.

I feel like I am making a mockery of the wonderful meme that Molly was lovely enough to give us. I can’t be positive about my shape now. I am not even sure if I am being positive about the way I looked before. Am I sharing this photo to try to tell myself how distorted my view of myself can be? Am I sharing because today I look at it and think, “FFS! K, look at that waist!”?

I am not even sure if I am celebrating it or rubbing salt into an already very raw wound. I am very good at giving myself a hard time so could this be a way for me to reinforce how dreadful I look now and how impossible it is that I will ever look that way again? Before you say it, it is impossible – age, health matters, lots of reasons…

But… in the true spirit of SS surely I should be posting pictures of me as I am now, with the hope of feeling good about it? I just can’t. I can’t even look at my body let alone share it.

The madness is, I know the wonderful people who participate here and they are anything but shallow – they would look at my photo and see probably something different to what I do. They most likely would not criticize my extra curves, my new folds of flesh, my overflowing boobage. They wouldn’t judge me as harshly as I do myself.

I wonder how this post will be received… will you all think, “Yep, knew she was shallow and vacuous all along”? I don’t blame you if you do.

I hope that one day I will be able to pose like this again, whatever my size or weight may be, and, unlike today, see the good in it. I truly wish I could stop only seeing the bad…

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*The fact was, I never, ever felt good enough… that’s the point.

Special thanks to Bee for her support and encouragement x

💋

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27 thoughts on “Raw

  1. Dear Kitty Kate’s hub.
    Please find the picture Kitty Kat took today and submit it for next week’s Sinful Sunday. Do it anonymously if that helps. My guess is she’ll hate you for having done it, will doubtless berate you at length, possibly throw crockery at you, and then barricade herself behind the bathroom door while she sobs quietly to herself. But when she sees the responses her image will doubtless get, you might just get a grateful peck on the cheek.
    And for the record, this picture is genuinely sexier than many of the skinny, stacked models on Tumblr. (And I don’t have a fetish for plus-sized models.)
    Good luck, and don’t blame me if it goes wrong.
    Regards
    AM

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are so beautiful, so sexy and I really wish you could see yourself through my, through our eyes, the eyes of the entire SS community. That said, I understand that it can be hard to see yourself like others see you. I really hope that one day you will be able to share all your images, to post them here and then believe each word people write when they comment on it. You are a sexy being and I am sure your images are absolutely stunning. What AM said might not be a bad idea – to post your images anonymously. It might be less challenging for you to do so, to see your images online and read the comments before you actually take the step to post them on your own blog. Just an idea…

    In the meantime, thank you for sharing this image! It is stunning!

    Rebel xox

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are beautiful just as you are, but it can be so hard to accept your body as it is. I know I’ve struggled for years to love my body, and I’m still struggling on but it is worth the effort. I hope you can come to a point of self acceptance, take your time and do it as you want to. But know you’ve got loads of SS support.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This must have been a hard post to write. It’s not easy to be plus size in today’s society, and we find as you suggested that we can see beauty in other people, but not ourselves. But people at SS are so lovely and supportive and I’ve started to share more of me than I thought I would. And you’ve helped me decide to submit my shower post to Smutober after all. Well done you for sharing. *hugs if permitted*
    Indigo X

    Like

  5. This is a very powerful piece of writing and must have been a real challenge to create but you did it, you looked at yourself and revealed some truths about your feelings and your struggles and I think that is amazing. It shows amazing self awareness and I think if you can apply that to how you look at your body then maybe you can eventually get to a place where you can look at yourself through kinder eyes.

    Mollyx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This is a beautiful photo of s beautiful body and I say that not only because I know of the beautiful mind and spirit behind it. The trappings of body image are so very fraught with tension and disbelief and I commend you on the generous and sincere writing you’ve shared here. I wish you self love and support on your journey. You’ll get there, and when you do, we will all be standing in applause just like we are today, because you’ll be gorgeous … because you ARE gorgeous.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. The image you posted is of a gorgeous, sexy woman and I’m sure that I’d say the same of any image you took today or any other day. We are our own worst enemies and it can really suck. If I may offer them… hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Ahhh darling Kittykat
    As someone who struggles daily with body image this post resonates so hard.
    I’m eight kilos heavier than this time last year and last year I wasn’t happy with myself. When I look back I’m like, whaaaaat???
    If only we could cut ourselves some slack.
    Taking part in SS and projects like Exposing 40 help a lot.
    Ooo if only I could just squeeze love into you right now x x x
    Well done for posting this. There’s lots of us about, but we only know that when we share x x

    Liked by 1 person

  9. We are our own worst critics, always. I guarantee every single person who participates in Sinful Sunday has looked at photos of themselves at some point in their lives and thought “I look too x / I don’t look x enough”… and those thoughts are based on bullshit cultural beauty standards that we’ve all been brainwashed to believe in our whole lives. You are not vacuous… you are a human who lives in the world. And you are beautiful. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I think we can all understand this struggle! I may celebrate my curves on sinful Sunday but I definitely celebrate them from the most flattering angles Lol! I hope you can eventually find a way to not be so hard on yourself, not even just physically, but being hard on yourself for how you feel as well. You are clearly a lovely person and I hope you see that.
    Aurora x

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I echo what Aurora said – I too would be one to post images from more flattering angles. IN fact, any of the images I have shared that aren’t I look at them still wanting to take the down. It is hard – the mirror can be a horrible place but only to the person standing in front of it. We are our own worse critics. I don’t judge your piece of writing. I applaude you for writing it – I hope you find some piece from doing so. It was so brave. I challenge anyone to come read it and see if it doesn’t resonate with them and to those who it doesn’t, are lying.

    I really hope you learn to embrace who you are.<3 You are a very beautful lady , I hope you can look through the eyes of someone else get to see that ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I am immensely proud of you, this is a brave thing you’ve done.

    I really do wish you could see what we see but until a magic pair of glasses are invented I know that’s a big ask.

    You are beautiful xx

    Liked by 1 person

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