*V.A.P.S.

I have been driving the OH quite mad of late. (Possibly for much longer than that!)

I have put on quite a bit of weight… well, in my opinion, quite a lot!

I had some very serious depression and anxiety issues this year, along with some health concerns I have blogged about previously, all of which resulted in a little bit too much comfort eating and drinking. And an expanding waistline…

I have been moaning about how fat I am, how awful I look and feel and it is really getting on his nerves. He is worn out telling me to stop saying these things, telling me I am ‘gorgeous’ and ‘beautiful’; alternating between almost endless patience and occasional, (and understandable), irritation at my self-hating repetition.

I asked him had he not noticed my new shape and he agreed he had and that it really doesn’t matter: “When you were slimmer I found you sexy, when you were or are bigger I find you sexy. You have a real problem seeing yourself the way you really are.”

I thought about this over, and over.

For me, this is impossible to accept. It is no failing on his part, it is all on me. I simply cannot see what he says he sees. I simply cannot accept that he finds me attractive or desirable. I think I am repulsive.

Eventually, I asked him, “So, what you are saying is – you love and accept me just as I am, no matter how I look or how much I change. Is that it?”

He looked at me, slightly exasperated and said, “That is exactly it.”

Now my challenge is to believe it.

💋

*Very Annoying Person Syndrome – an affliction I torture myself and others with.

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14 thoughts on “*V.A.P.S.

  1. It can be difficult for others to understand this sometimes. No matter how much we are told we are attractive, sexy etc. the hatred of ourselves goes so deep nothing can touch it. I’ve really struggled with this the last few months.
    Hugs to you, beautiful lady 🙂
    x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yup! You’re gorgeous. He knows it. We know it. The only person who doesn’t is you. It’s hard to stop looking for evidence that supports our self-destructive opinions. Beauty and sexiness are subjective. I hope you find a way to be open to the idea that you are beautiful, gorgeous and sexy. Then you might start seeing hints of it.

    Liked by 1 person

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