I’m Still Here… Just

“What are your plans for today?”

“I’ve none. That’s the problem. Well, I’ve some laundry and ironing to do but that’s it.”

“Any writing?”

“Nothing to write about.”

“What about some photography? You haven’t done any in a while, have you?”

“Nothing to photograph.”

“Well, there’s your task today then.”

I sigh.

“You’ve got to help yourself love.”

This was our conversation as he dressed after his shower this morning.

*

You may, (or more likely, may not), have noticed that I’ve been very quiet for a while now. My last entry to this blog was July 18th, and even that was just to link to elust.

I have felt completely devoid of inspiration. I have nothing to say that I think is worth sharing.

I feel aimless; I have no routine, no goals, no purpose.

I drift.

Breakfast, lunch and dinner are the only markers of my day. Sometimes I feel like I am existing merely to get to the next mealtime.

Many days I don’t bother to get dressed.

I can’t remember the last time I was outside alone.

“I’m sorry I look so shitty,” I say several times a day. He replies, telling me to shush and that I am beautiful.

I am clueless as to how to fix this…

Do I need a routine? Do I need him to tell me what it is? The ‘little’ in me strives to be obedient and pleasing, but I know I will probably rebel against any instructions that he gives me, because I feel too tired, too apathetic to carry them out.

Perhaps I feel unworthy of feeling any better?

I am five weeks into my new medication… the so-called miracle pill that is Prozac. Is it working? Maybe, to some extent. But not enough. Not consistently. I have fleeting moments of confidence and contentment, where I do not despise myself, but they do no last.

I sit here, 9.50am, yet another day where I am not showered or dressed yet, and with no plans for the day ahead of me, with only a detached sense of resignation that nothing will change. Numb.

Is this it? Is this how it shall be? Forever?

Why am I even sharing these meandering thoughts? Why bore and burden you with my non-issues?

With a deep sigh, (apparently I sigh A LOT), I end this decidedly mediocre, self-pitying post.

I hope illicithoughts will return to being a place where I can express myself again, hopefully entertain you, make you think, make you angry, make you sad, make you laugh.

I hope, but I can’t promise.

💋

Copyright, 2016, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

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17 thoughts on “I’m Still Here… Just

  1. This is me lately too – ‘…a detached sense of resignation that nothing will change. Numb.’ I do the routine things but that’s about it.
    We know the things we should do, the things that help, but how do you explain to people that there’s no energy, no will to want to do things. Most of my time is spent lurking on Twitter, drinking tea and smoking.
    I talk to people, I can even smile or laugh but inside I’m empty. It sucks. I feel like I need a really good cry or scream, some sort of release, but there’s nothing there.
    I don’t think the way you’re feeling (or not feeling) is a non-issue and sometimes meandering thoughts can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves.
    Keep taking the meds, hopefully soon you’ll get well enough to start fighting again.
    Sending lots of love and hugs
    x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am sorry you are having such a time. Hang on in there. I struggle. I have ups and downs. The thing that is helping me at the mo is forcing myself outside every day for a walk. At the beginning, I struggled. Even 5 minutes felt like an insurmountable challenge. Now, I walk and I find peace in my mind. The repetition of step, step, step is hypnotic. While I am out, I notice the trees etc. Now I walk and have to remember to stop. While I walk, my body and soul breathes and I am starting to live again. Oh, and I use a Fitbit to keep me going. Without that, I slip. One day missed turns into seven. The tracker helps me.

    I am not presenting you with a guaranteed answer. I am just sharing something that is helping me and gives me a little more resilience to survive the rest.

    Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for this. I used to walk a lot and have not done so for a long time now. I know it would be good for me to get out but I never seem to make it… then I feel bad for failing.
      I’m glad you have found a way to cope. I hope it continues to help you.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I have very little time so didn’t read previous comments but… what makes you think these thoughts aren’t worth sharing? So many of us have gone, have been going or will go through these phases. It’s good to know we’re not alone. I know it helped me tremendously.
    So please, share.

    Two more things I want to say too.
    1) did you see your doctor since you started on Prozac? Are things not improving, or are they getting worse? One of the known side effects of anti-depressants is suicidal thoughts, worsening of the depression and such. So make sure you communicate well and fully with your doctor.
    2) I started to get better when a very dear friend who is a naturopath, holistic healer or whatever you want to call her, asked me this question. “What do you need the depression for? What does it bring in your life?” Until you realize what it is the depression let’s you hide deep down, allows you to ignore, it is very difficult to get better. Really better. It can help you forget awful things that happened to you, as a child or as an adult. Or it can help you ignore the fact that your life isn’t the life you want to lead without having to actually worry about which part needs to change.
    I don’t mean to sound all-knowing, I hope that’s not the way you take my comment. It comes from a place of love. But I know that that very disturbing question and my ability to finally look at those reasons and do something about it (even if subconsciously) was the trigger to my recovery. I needed that gentle kick in the butt to get me on the path of recovery.

    This said: Something that helped me tremendously when the ex was trying to kick me while I was on the ground, struggling to get up, was pictures. I took part in a 100 days of happiness challenge. It helped me focus on the good things in life, the beautiful things. Helped me take my mind off of the awful, difficult, all that was wrong in my life, on focus on being there in the here and now, and focusing on the silver lining maybe? So I challenge you to post a picture a day for the next 100 days. You don’t even have to get out or get dressed to do it.
    You can simply look through those files you have, it will remind you of good times, or beautiful things.
    It is best to go out and take new pictures if you can, but if it really is too much effort on a given day, then… thumb through your old pics.
    It doesn’t have to be a perfect picture either. It can just be a picture of something that makes you happy on that particular day. A meal shared with friends, a walk with your dogs, a new favorite book you just finished… anything that brought some colour to your soul that day.

    And keep on keeping on. We love you. Who cares if you feel like you don’t have anything interesting to say. Just write your thoughts, and let us decide if we find them so dull!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am blown away by your lovely and loving response Dawn! Your kindness and care really matters to me and I appreciate it so very much.
      Yes, I have seen my Dr and thankfully I am not anywhere as suicidal as I have been in the past. If anything I feel numb. I will be seeing him again in a few weeks and will discuss things then.
      The question your friend asked is actually brilliant… I have given it thought and I do know some of the roots of my depression. As for having the energy or courage to actually face change, well, that is another mountain altogether. I am frustrated at myself for not confronting this more head on.
      I do take photographs! I have even started a new page on my other blog where I was sharing pictures I have taken. It’s called Kat’s Eye and is on my http://k1kat.com blog. It is very good therapy, it’s free, it’s distracting and it takes us out of our own heads. I lapsed a bit but I did post a photo today.
      I really do appreciate you taking the time to offer your thoughts and advice Dawn. Your friendship matters to me.
      Thanks you xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I *know* you’ve been taking pictures. I think I viewed most of them and really enjoyed them. I saw today’s dew (or rain?) drops on a blade of grass. 🙂
        I was merely mentioning a challenge because I know that being held accountable to someone is what helped me go through some of my worst days.
        Don’t worry about facing the changes just yet. Being aware of the problems, willing to face them, is a very big and important first step. As I said, a lot of the work happened subconsciously for me. Some of it I was able to put thoughts on through writing, but… a lot of it took place in dreams and other thoughts I wasn’t aware of.
        Don’t sell yourself short. You’re doing a brilliant job. You’re taking your mental health into your hands. Taking care of yourself.
        I also can totally relate to the ‘taking care of yourself’ part. Or lack thereof. I told my chiropractor not that long ago I was aware of everything that I should do to take care of myself. The question was more ‘I am worth that effort?’ I’ll spend a lot of energy taking care of others, but don’t always feel I deserve the same amount of time and energy put into my self-care. So I get it.
        Hang in there love, you’ll get there!
        XO

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I clicked ‘like’, not because I like what is happening with you, because I wanted you to know that I read your post and am thinking of you, K. Dawn has good advice. I think some routine in your daily life would be a positive thing and give you something to think about and do. As you do them, you will feel accomplishment and feel a bit better. Start with simple everyday things. Looking forward to having your Illicit Thoughts back.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I hope this passes for you and given how you are feeling I appreciate you taking the time to like posts on my blog.

    I have a friend who was in a similar place recently and we worked out a very basic 3 things to do each day routine which helped her through the worst days. They were as follows:

    1.One protein based meal a day (50% of plate)
    2. Minimum of 20 minutes walk outside
    3. One film or comedy show a day

    It gave her a focus to the day and helped the time to pass. I offer it to you not you as a solution but as a lifepresever to hang on to whilst you are in such deep water

    A book which i know has also helped others is this one http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4087376-depressive-illness . You are currently ill with depression. We wouldn’t expect someone with a broken leg to carry on as normal and neither can we someone with depression.

    Finally I hope none of this comes across as trying to fix. I mean only to you provide you with some resources if you feel able to use them. Depression sometimes just has to be carried for a while but it might help to know that you are not alone.

    Hugs if you’d like them x eye x

    Like

    1. Thank you so much, eye, for your lovely response. Yes I do need to focus on getting a routine and I definitely need to get outside more.
      That book looks really good. Yes depression is definitely an illness and you make a good point about taking time to heal.
      I really appreciate you taking the time to offer me this guidance and support. Thank you so much.
      xx

      Liked by 1 person

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