F4TF #30 -To Share or Not To Share

IMG_0490Monogamy – do you think it is our natural inclination?

Are you in a monogamous relationship or do you you live a polyamorous life?

If you are monogamous, is it by choice? Do you find it easy or is it a struggle?

I set the question this week, following another one of mine and KW’s chats, (we really do chat about this, that and everything!).

I don’t actually believe that monogamy is our natural state. Back when the human race was living in constant danger of eminent and early death, be that at the fangs of a sabre tooth tiger or from a range of deadly, untreatable diseases, it made sense to pair up, procreate and remain together to ensure the survival of offspring and keep the genetic line alive.

(Although anthropologists have suggested that women did in fact sleep around much more than we first thought and then settled down with the man who would be the best provider/protector but who was not necessarily the biological father.)

Now that we live for so much longer, it seems perhaps naïve to think we can be satisfied by just one partner for life. I know I have different friends that I can turn to for different needs; there’s the one that’s always fun to be around, the one that seems to just ‘get’ me, the one I can bitch and moan to, the one I can gossip with. So, why do we think we should have just one person who provides everything we need in a sexual relationship? To me it feels restrictive and limiting and is based upon a social construct.

Having said all that, I am in a monogamous marriage. The OH is very aware of my opinion on mono/poly and he can see my point but doesn’t share it. Our compromise? I get to flirt as much as I like but remain faithful. I love him and, at the end of the day, my curiosity about being with other people does not outweigh my feelings for him and for his need to be my one and only. In his own words, he “doesn’t like to share”!

To be honest, I think if I did try to embark on a polyamorous relationship, I would find it very difficult to adjust and cope with feelings of jealousy or insecurity. Perhaps conservative social norms are too embedded in my psyche, perhaps the 13 years of convent education fucked me up, perhaps I am moreso intellectually curious about poly than driven to experience it.

But it works for us – I get to flirt outrageously and he knows he’s the only one who gets to handle the goods!

Each to their own I say – as long as everyone in the relationship, (whether that is a couple or enough people to create a rugby team), are informed, consenting and happy then live and let live and enjoy!


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13 thoughts on “F4TF #30 -To Share or Not To Share

  1. Interesting F4TF. I admit I don’t like to share and I wonder if that is down a cultural thing being raised in Catholic Ireland. Maybe something seeped into my psyche, given that I am the least religious person ever. Don’t get me wrong I’m not anti polyamory, live and let live is my motto, it just doesn’t hold any interest for me.

    I suspect monogamy is a social construct, probably heavily promoted by religious hierarchy over hundred’s of years (except for Mormon, Islam and probably a few other groups). To me the really interesting thing is why? Surely congregations would be larger if everyone was polyamorous? Is it a control thing? Are the other influences, is it a way of men controlling women? Is it a combination of male hegemony over women at an individual/relationship level and religious control (which of course is ruled by men)?

    Is my admitting I don’t like to share, just that, or is it influenced by centuries of indoctrination by male hierarchy? Is monogamy a male construct which reflects our own lack of confidence and that our “women” will prefer another partner and leave us?

    Of course, this is a very heterosexual view on things. Is monogamy just as pervasive in homosexual relationships? As a heterosexual man I don’t know but I would suspect the same social pressures will have the same impact on homosexual relationships too.

    So, nope, I don’t think it’s a natural thing, totally a social construct. But that said I don’t like sharing so it suits me…

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Your post almost made me want to define monogamy again. My first thought was yes, I’m in a monogamous relationship. I’m married to one man, and he doesn’t have sex with others. However, he has no problem with me exploring my bisexuality. With that said. I can’t see ever being in love with someone else. I wouldn’t allow it. There are boundaries within the makeup of our marriage that prevent it. A fact in quite thankful for. So I suppose maybe we are a special kind of mono couple. … f4t indeed.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Ooo I hate to be presumptuous, but I can’t wait to read about all those experiences! Promise you’ll write pleassee… do cherries on top work for you?

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Well… you know where I stand! I don’t think we’re meant to be monogamous, or at least not all of us are. So to make it the basis of society and negatively judge people who are not seems… ridiculous, really!
    I don’t want to cage anyone, and I couldn’t stand being caged again.
    Just like I’d rather have someone go taste somewhere else but come back to me than know they stay with me because they are forced to (by society/their view/obligation).
    I do believe that a good deal of why monogamy comes down to men trying to control genetics and make sure they don’t spend money/energy and so on feeding genes that aren’t them. That has of course been taken over by religion. It’s funny to see that even in those religions mentioned above (Mormons, Islam…), it’s never a woman surrounded by many men, always one man and many women. As if women didn’t enjoy trying out other men too!

    Also, I do believe that there is a big difference between being non-exclusive sexually and being poly-amourous. I don’t think I’m in love with anyone else than The Dancer. I do/did have connections with some of the men I slept with outside of the club experiences. But it’s more of a FWB sort of connection. There is only one man I love. At least that’s been my experience for now! I’m still pretty new with al of this, so I don’t KNOW!

    But I also do believe that some of us are meant to be monogamous, and that’s OK. Main thing is: we shouldn’t judge 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree with everything you’ve said! No judgement as long as everyone involved is consenting and informed.
      Good point about the male/female balance. I know of some tribes where more power lies with the women but the vast majority of the world seems to be male orientated.
      And good differentiating between poly and non-mono!
      Great response Dawn!

      Liked by 1 person

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