It’s Not All About Sex…

I love receiving feedback and comments on all three of my blogs.

It makes my day that someone has, not only taken the time to read my stories or articles, but has gone that extra mile and actually shared their thoughts with me.

I will take this opportunity to say a massive thank you to all my readers who have ever left me a comment. If I don’t always reply, it is because I am a WP dimwit that hasn’t checked the Unapproved folder on my dashboard… trust me I value every comment and always try to reply to you!

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This post has been prompted by two recent events.

I have a lovely new friend with whom I have been enjoying many truly stimulating and thought-provoking conversations, about all sorts of things, but in particular, our shared interest in BDSM.

Inspired by some of our discussions, I tried my hand at a new angle in my erotic writing, by creating a story based on a relationship between a masochistic sub and her sadist Dom. I loved the challenge of trying to get the dynamics just right, trying to set the mood and recreate the feelings of each party involved in the scene. The level of physical brutality and the language I used in the story was a change of style for me and I found it incredibly liberating to step away from my usual patterns and stretch myself. I was beyond delighted when my friend, (who is much more au fait with the S side of S/M than I am), gave me a glowing thumbs up for accuracy and mood. The next day I was equally thrilled when another friend, this time a female masochist sub, said, “Fuck yes, Yes yes yes. I may or may not be playing with myself to that story rn…” Trust me, as a writer of erotica, THAT is the best review you can get!

However, not all my comments were 100% glowing! (And, for the record, let me say that I never expect to receive only positive feedback. In my opinion all feedback, positive, negative and everything in-between is valuable to me as a writer. There is always room to learn and improve.)

This morning I read a comment from a reader, MyLovingWife, who had been reading my new story “Sir and Little Girl… Knife Play“, perfectly happily until they encountered the word “slut”, which completely threw them and, in their own words, “it turned me off“. My reader also felt that the physical interaction in my story could be seen as “abusive”.

I replied by thanking them, sincerely, for their feedback and clarifying that I never condone abuse in any form and that, in the context of BDSM, the word “slut” is in fact a term of affection or praise even. We entered into an interesting discussion from there and, I’m pleased to say, I do believe we both left it feeling that we understood each other’s points of view much better than we did at the start.

This is another reason I love receiving comments; even ones that could be perceived as negative do not have to lead to confrontation or discord, and can in fact be the spark of an exchange of views and even the start of a new friendship. Personally, I didn’t perceive MyLovingWife’s comments as negative at all. Rather, I identified with their unease with words and descriptions that are foreign or offensive to them, having been there myself several times.

I thought about this encounter, my own ever-developing and altering attitudes towards sex and BDSM, and the conversations between my friend and I, and I felt that writing a piece about what BDSM is, what is means, (to me and to others), would be an interesting exercise, for me, and hopefully, for my readers!

I also expect I will receive comments from people who will have very different opinions and beliefs to mine, as well as from people who are much more well informed and knowledgeable about the world of BDSM than I am.

I welcome it all and expect to learn from anything you guys choose to share with me.


I have always been fascinated by everything to do with paraphilia. The diverse range of things us human beings can be attracted to or aroused by is, it seems, limitless! I have read about the subject… a lot!

Also, I have had a leaning towards BDSM for as long as I can remember having the feeling that I am a sexual being. For me, sexual arousal has alway been linked to power, vulnerability, dominance, submission and yeah… pain! It is simply how I am wired. I struggled with it, denied it, pushed it away for a long time.

I have to tell you, accepting myself as I am, and educating myself about my needs and desires, is perhaps the most liberating experience of my life. I no longer feel embarrassed, ashamed, odd or different.

I am not bad, dirty, (well, yeah I am, but you know what I mean!), disgusting, perverted or sick.

I have a sexual orientation as real and as valid as heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality and all the other combinations and permutations you can derive from those!

FYI: If you are reading this, and you consider anything outside of heterosexuality to be wrong in any way, this is not the blog for you, my friend!

So, allow me, if you will, to clear up some common misconceptions about BDSM with a few very useful graphics.

IMG_2988

IMG_2989I hope it is clear from these excellent charts that BDSM is an enjoyable, reciprocal and, most importantly, consensual form of relationship between two adults who share complimentary needs.

I have found people in the BDSM world to be some of the most open, caring, nonjudgemental and friendly, welcoming people I have ever encountered. A true Dominant or submissive is highly respectful in their interactions with others and they are usually highly skilled communicators.

People outside the lifestyle struggle to understand the dynamics of a *D/s relationship and do often see it as a form of abuse. The language used in BDSM can be confusing for people outside it. Even I struggled with the word “slut” before I truly understood the way it is used in a BDSM context. To quote a female friend who is a sub, “being called a slut makes me feel like I’ve really achieved something!”

Other subs enjoy being called, “whore”, “bitch”, “little girl”, “little one”, “pet”, “slave”, the list goes on!

To put it simply… as long as the person being called the name is happy to be called it, even derives pleasure from it, surely that is all that matters?

A final point I very much want to make is this… It really, really isn’t all about sex!

That is perhaps the single biggest misconception about BDSM out there. People think that we live this way because it is all about dressing up, tying each other up, slapping, spanking and whipping each other, having all manner of kinky sex… and yes, we do!

But there is so much more to it than that.

Quoting my ever-so-elequant friend who described it as;

It’s meeting needs that cannot be meet in any other way. You’re open and vulnerable in a way you simply aren’t in any other relationship. This is something we need in our souls. What’s more intimate than filling that space in someone’s very core, or they in you? It’s the closest we can get to truly joining our hearts I believe. It’s trust, it’s communication, it’s an exchange of energy. Nothing else comes close in my experience.”

Now… that is definitely about more than wearing latex and handcuffs!

A BDSM relationship will be based on the most honest, intense, soul-baring communication you could possibly imagine. A Dom needs to understand his sub inside out in order to fulfil her needs, and his, without causing her, or him, physical, emotional, psychological or spiritual harm. A sub needs to understand and know her Dom fully, in order to be able to trust her wellbeing and safety to him and, in turn, offer him her greatest gift… her submission.

I have barely scratched the surface of BDSM, believe me!

If I have sparked your interest, there is a wealth of information out there, some true, some false, so be selective what you read. Trust me when I tell you that 50 Shades of Grey is definitely NOT to be considered a handbook!

If you have comments or questions, you know I will be delighted to read and reply to them. If you have more information, or can point me in the direction of more, please do so!

I will end by saying this…

Whatever it is that you like to do, whatever makes you happy, as long as it does no harm to anyone else, just do it, enjoy it and have fun!

Leave self judgement, shame and society’s ignorance and bigotry at the door.

Life is short people! Live it how you want to.

*Note: D/s can be male/female, female/male, male/male, female/female and everything in-between! I simply used Dom/sub in my personal context of male/female

**Many thanks to MyLovingWife and to my lovely friend for inspiring me today! 

Copyright, 2015, illicitthoughts.wordpress.com

All rights reserved.

 

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10 thoughts on “It’s Not All About Sex…

  1. What a great post! I will always remember the first time a girlfriend called me ‘bitch’. There was an instant flood between my thighs. It also changed or relationship instantaneously. From then on it has always been known that I am the submissive in our friendship.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so upset with WP that I didn’t see this before; it didn’t show on my reader. I knew you were going to post it so I came looking for it 😉 .

    First I guess I’d like to say thanks. For taking the time to discuss with me earlier this week and for knowing my feedback wasn’t a personal attack. Also because in many ways, your work is helping me process a number of things about me. He! I wrote a short story a few weeks ago; something if I’m honest I never ever thought I would do. And I posted it: it freaked me out more than a lot of things I’ve done in my life but I did.

    I never really thought about giving this much info but I’ve got a complicated and conflicted relation to this; my first experience with sex wasn’t my choice and I was threatened, so there’s a line sometimes between BD/SM and abuse that’s not always obvious for me. One of the (many) reasons I really didn’t enjoy Fifty Shades of Grey whereas I read Jacqueline Carey’s Kushiel work (paraphilia most definitely and well written too) with only one scene bothering me in the entire 3000 or so pages – 2 trilogies. If you haven’t read it, it’s really good. Maybe because it’s not all about sex 😉 .
    So really, I couldn’t tell you exactly where the unease/anxiety starts. It depends. In this instance, the word ‘slut’ was the trigger, but it could have been something else. The chart you provided: really helpful to understand.
    I guess because many of your readers are aware of the premise (the discussion of what the ‘script’ for the scene will be), you don’t need to explain it. I didn’t understand it; now I do.

    Also as I was writing to you earlier this week, I know when I click on one of your links what type of stories I’m linking with. I’m a consenting adult. And I know that I won’t like all of them because I’m not there yet. But it’s a process. I never imagined after my experience that I would ever be able to be with someone; too much fear attached. But I was wrong, even though it took more than a decade of work.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so very sorry to hear about your experience and thank you for sharing that. I’m glad you have made so much progress. I was a rape crisis counsellor in a past life so I do understand how much work you’ve had to do.
      Well done on your story! I must go back and see if I can find it!
      I hadn’t heard of those books but I will go search them out. Thanks for the recommendation.
      X

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