I strap my seatbelt across my hips, hands shaking.
I close my eyes and lay my head back against the headrest.
I cannot stop them again… fat, hot tears stream down my cheeks and I give in to my misery and allow myself to cry once more, my entire body shaking.
I cannot believe that our beautiful weekend has ended like this…
We had showered and dressed after making love in his bed that morning. For once, my obsession with oral hygiene that he loves to tease me about, was in my favour and I used the “emergency” toothbrush I always carry in my handbag.
We spent our morning laughing, reveling in our pretend domesticity.
He brought hot buttered toast and coffee over to the table and sat beside me. My face couldn’t hide it…
“What baby? What’s wrong?” his brow furrowed as he asked me.
“Um… I only butter and eat toast once it’s cold,” I admitted. He threw his head back and laughed loudly.
“Well, another thing I’ve learned about you. I love finding out new things about you Lexi baby,” and he got up to make me fresh toast. This time he allowed it go cool before buttering it.
I loved watching him potter around his kitchen. He looked so comfortable and happy.
I knew I loved him, for real.
Everything I had hoped and dreamed about since we met and started to exchange messages and emails had come true this weekend.
I hated the thoughts of returning home to my old life later today.
We played our train game again on the way back into London, giggling and stealing kisses between our ridiculous suggestions about our fellow travellers.
Hand in hand we walked from the station to our hotel. He told me about the latest project he was working on and I looked up at him, loving the passion and enthusiasm he had for his work. He explained how perfectionistic he was about it, that sometimes it slowed him down until he simply had to push through the night to get a piece finished. Completely opposite to my slap dash approach to anything I do.
Back in the room, we lay in each other’s arms on the giant bed. For once, we didn’t feel the desperate need to tear each other’s clothes off and explore each other. The inevitable sadness of our impending goodbye seemed to make us simply want to be like that… lying in each others arms, silent, listening to each other breathing, feeling our breathing synch.
His phone buzzed and he reached for it, glancing at the number on the screen.
“Sorry baby, I gotta take this,” and he rose up from the bed and answered the call. I used the opportunity to pack up my belongings, feeling sad that I had to catch a plane back to reality.
After about fifteen minutes, he covered the mouthpiece of his phone momentarily and whispered to me that he would be longer than a few minutes.
“Baby, this client is going crazy coz I took Friday off. I’ll need to talk to him for a while.”
My face fell, I did a WTF motion with my hands.
“Dave? Can I call you back in five? Cheers” and he hung up.
“Lexi I really can’t not call him back and talk this through. I’ll be an hour, hour and a half tops.”
“An hour?! A fucking hour and a half?! Are you kidding me Will? I gotta catch a plane in three hours!”
He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed.
“Fuck it! Lexi, this is my work…”
“You are seriously saying to me that you can’t call this… Dave in a few hours? Seriously?”
I heard my voice rising. I knew that last thing I wanted to be doing was fighting with him, but the feelings of despair and sadness at having to leave him that I had been struggling to contain were finally spilling over.
His brow creased and I watched annoyance and frustration cross his face.
“Do you really think I WANT to call him back rather than spend time with you? Really?! I fucking HAVE to, Lexi, I have to. I don’t have a husband back home bringing in the cash… Fuck! I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that.”
He moved towards me but I backed up, horrified that he could take such a low shot.
I shook my head slowly, stunned by his remark.
“Go make your fucking call Will. I’ve got a husband to get back to, thanks for the reminder!” I grabbed my bags and tore my coat off the back of the chair and ran for the door, tears blinding me as I flung it open.
“LEXI! Don’t! Come here! Lexi!”
I ran to the elevator and jumped in as an older couple exited it, throwing glances of concern towards me.
I stabbed the 0 button, desperate to close the doors.
As I ran into the ladies room off the lobby I caught sight of Will exiting the other elevator, his head swiveling around searching for me.
“Madam, are you alright?” the pretty BA steward touches my shoulder, bringing me back to reality.
“Yes, thank you, I’ll be ok, sorry,” apologising to the wrong person…
My face burns with shame as I remember hiding out in the ladies until it felt safe enough to risk the lobby again. Typical Lexi behaviour, hide from another confrontation. Coward!
Will was nowhere to be seen, so I made straight for the door and hailed the first black cab I saw.
I have not heard anything from Will, and now on the plane I must switch my phone off.
How could he not call me? Is this it? Are we over?
I close my eyes and accept that the next couple of hours are going to be torture…
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